I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
