you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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