Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
