I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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