I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hippo gnu deer
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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