hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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