Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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