my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
