me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
