Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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