Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
