She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
