come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
