Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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