If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
