Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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