Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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