I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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