Where is the hickey?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
