she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
be right there i have to get my cape
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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