you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
