I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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