remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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