Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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