I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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