He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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