She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
