I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
