hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
