Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
