When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
