my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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