The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
