Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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