I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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