I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
