she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
