She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
