Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
