I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
