I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
