It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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