i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
