somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
