if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
