before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
