Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
