i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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