I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
someone threw a dead crab at me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
