My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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