Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
