so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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